Saturday, February 21, 2009

On Sneering Lexus Kids and Dead Chimps

One perk I have as the nation's Car Czar is access to all kinds of classified intelligence, from CIA satellite data down to Patriot Act-authorized briefings of what you (yes, you) had for breakfast this morning (Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Not enough milk on your first spoonful so you inhaled all that cinnamon powder and had a coughing fit ... just what I wanted to see first thing in the morning).

The neatest files I have access to reside in the NSA's Office of Future Events, a non-descript cubicle staffed by the former personal assistant of Nancy Reagan's former White House astrologer and current close personal friend of new George Mason University Homecoming Queen Reann Ballslee.

I can report lots of good news for the future out of this office: the stock market is coming back (buy lots of ETFC ... it's irrationally in the tank this week) and Lance Armstrong will be the first guy over 60 to win the Tour de France (by doping on FRS Energy Drink. AFLD authorities will continue to miss all those web ads where Mr. Armstrong boldly brags about his habit).

There's nothing but bad news in the future files for several stars of automotive advertising, I'm not sorry to say.

You know the little snot who sneers at all his blizzard-stranded private school chums as his Botox mom drives him away from early dismissal in her better-and-more-capable-than-yours Lexus RX? Most private citizens are stuck viewing the little simp in the present, waiting for the day Smack-O-Vision is invented, but thanks to my invasive government purview I can happily give this great nation more information on mother and son, post-commercial.

Once Trixie makes it out of the school parking lot and on to the state highway, she and her snotty son inexplicably lock eyes in one of those snotty moments snotty people have when they're mutually noticing how much better they are than everyone else. It's a long moment ... the kind of long moment that only the self-absorbed snotty can enjoy without being bothered by the fact they're supposed to be semi-in-control of their own destiny in a speeding Lexus in a blizzard. Trixie never sees the snowplow.

Then there's that ad with the dashing fellow who gets out of his car on the freeway to pick up road debris he has just run over, savoring the fact he doesn't have to stop to change a flat tire thanks to the better-and-more-capable-than-yours run-flat tires on his BMW. He, of course, gets hit by a car during the un-aired, non-delusional part of that commercial, but the good news from the future that private-citizen television commercial watchers can't see is that it's a clean hit, and the BMW can be driven away from the scene. The last thing a new widow should have to worry about is paying for a flatbed tow.

Those kids out blasting up and down hills in a Jeep like it's the lead car on the Millennium Force? Called home by Darwin. Their parents are suing the ad agency.

The soulful, sensitive nature lovers who brought viewing audiences around the world the message that Hummer H2s are not gas-guzzling rolling chrome projections of manhood anxiety but noble high-perched chariots to pristine parts of the planet other vehicles can't reach? Well, after running through the 100 gallons of gasoline they stored in five-gallon jugs in the back of their H2 to get way out there ... hundreds of miles from any fuel source ... they're still out there.

(How the camera crew got out there and back, I'm kind of wondering about. Same deal with that Man vs. Wild guy. Sometimes my office misses important data and fails to follow-up on important information, and as a result my office is investigating itself on these matters).

The best news from the future is about that kid from the 2004 Olympics ad who tours a city by air in a flying Chevrolet Corvette while Jumpin' Jack Flash plays in the background. In 2004 the poor lad was grounded by parent groups who were outraged that the commercial might entice children to take Corvette flights. In the future, this kid gets to fly again, because he is, after all, way up in the air -- not down in traffic causing trouble.

Oh, and in the future you should see the egg on the faces of those parent groups who got the flying Corvette ad banned. Shortly after they learned that Chevrolet Corvettes are not really capable of sustained flight, they were all called away from their posts as the world's safety-in-advertising nannies with word that their real, can-actually-reach-the-pedals-of-a-car teen-aged children had been involved in incidents while pretending their Jeeps were roller coasters.

So please, don't get glum about nationalized banks and non-stop CNN iReports that are really nothing more than glorifed "I need a job" puff pieces. There's some good stuff coming down the pike.

This Week's Dead Chimp Cartoon
Your Unhumble Car Czar would like to notify all citizens who were milling around in front of the New York Post this week, up-in-arms over that publication's recent dead chimp cartoon, that the president doesn't write stimulus bills ... he signs stimulus bills. Please re-read the cartoon, or if this is your first time researching a topic for yourself, please read it for yourself. A little education goes a long way, and a little more education might have netted you folks a place to go for gainful employment (OK ... good luck with that) this week instead of another street-loitering I'm-a-victim sign-toting date with Al Sharpton.

Clowns like Al Sharpton are no different than clowns like Rush Limbaugh: time- and progress-wasting mass-media manipulators of this great nation's unbright. While you folks were marching with Always Affronted Al, the supposed target of this terrible cartoon slight was out there making this country a better place. Please take heed and take action.

I would be remiss in my public service duties without pointing out a bigger issue here: the dead chimp cartoon wasn't funny enough in its innocuous interpretation to deserve all this attention. This distraction has cost our nation dearly at a time it can ill-afford ... anything.

This Just In
President O. signaled this week that he would not appoint a formal Car Czar -- conceivably leaving your rogue, self-appointed web-blogging Unhumble Car Czar in absolute power indefinitely.

Eeeeeeeegsolent ...

I'm not done yet. Next Week: Non-car Affairs ... An Off-lap Review of Dell's Studio XPS 1340

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