Thursday, March 25, 2010

Really Brief Musings on Old White Guys in Congress

Congrats to the boss for getting a health care package passed ... I think. Alas, no one in even my high office has a clue what's in it after months of grinding by the Washington I-Win...No-I-Win legislative sausage factory.

If any great tragedy comes out of the Big O's national healthcare campaign, it's in being forced to watch old white guys who have been soundly whipped at their own game fighting tooth-and-nail to look like the final bell never rang ... kinda like they idiotically did for a year-plus after the 2008 election with birth certificate challenges and tea parties.

House Minority (relish the irony of the term) Leader John Boehner is sort of the poster child for today's pretending-to-still-be-relevant Republican. The guy plainly smirks every time he's on camera, even as his party's once-proud elephant trunk dangles limply just outside the Capital Hill circus tent.

Boehner looks like the insolent kid in the back of the classroom who's got it in for the teacher but can't do jack about it.

Then you've got the Grand Old Party Outburst Guys: Mr. "You Lie!" And lately Mr. "Baby Killer!"

Abe, Ike, and Dutch can't be proud.

Eventually these entitled old hacks will be replaced with some more formidable talent and we'll have a real ballgame again.

Until then, keep popping that popcorn, and always bet on the half-black guy.

Friday, March 19, 2010

From the What Were They Thinking Files: The Worst Automotive Ideas in Decades

Today your UnHumble Car Czar's list of automotive mistakes, decade-by-decade. Since every car was cool before muscle cars made everything else boring, let's leave the seven decades preceding the 60s out. Bad ideas are relative, see.

60s: Skinny Tires
Fitted to the biggest torque monsters ever to wrinkle asphalt. Combine those with drum brakes, no seatbelts, no safety glass, and Impale-O-Matic steering columns and wallah! Social Security solvency gets a few more years' reprieve.

70s: Wire Wheel Covers
They rust. The fall off. They're so Lamont Sanford.

80s: The Car Bra
Keeps bugs and stones off eight inches of your car hood. Remove after a year of sun and rain and enjoy your new two-tone car hood. The worst part is you looked like a dork the whole time.

90s: Smoked Headlight Covers
What kind of dimwit buys covers to dim his headlights? Cruise a trailer park and find out what kind and how many. But get there fast, before Darwin goes quota filling.

00s: The H2 Hummer
Owners willing to pay nearly as much as the real thing for this dressed-up Chevy Suburban assclown. Owners willing to spend 50 grand more in home equity hock over an H3 to delude themselves into the believing they rock the roadways. Drivers often petite and wholly unaware of the irony.

10s: Porsche Panamera, Honda Crosstour, BMW X6, Acura ZDX, etc.
When even the fawning connoisseur magazines have to apologize for reviewing these Big Butts you know you've got a problem. Let's face it: only the guys who wear suggestively-too-large shoes and dangle an extra foot of belt out of their buckles even claim to dig Beyoncé.