Thursday, February 18, 2010

2012 Ford Fiesta RS Turbo: An Internet Rumor

Time for this office to once again help Ford spec-out its upcoming Fiesta Turbo.

I say "upcoming" because The Big Blue Oval has been teasing web punks with a "Turbo Kit" in its buyer surveys forever ... and proudly shows "Turbo Kit" as the #1 most-popular option ... so the Fiesta Turbo is a done deal for 2012 according to an internet rumor I just started.

The spec for the 2011 normally-aspirated Fiesta looks to be set, complete with smart packaging, back-to-the-80s curb weight, and That 70s Show funky colors. It looks like Job 1's alternative to a clutch & stick is a slick sequential-gear dual clutch tranny, but tragically with -0- manual intervention options except Ford's patented "You Really Shouldn't Have Asked" ViolentDownShift™ "L" low gear choice.

No manual control of Ford's self-proclaimed "Advanced Six-Speed Transmission" might be fine in a modern-day Crown Vic, but it will not do in a car that is already on its way to placing Ford on the Gotta Have It Podium with a generation of paddle-slapping-happy Gran Turismo racers.

Ford: If you're going to go to the trouble of blowing a Fiesta, don't blow it by sticking non-stick-shifters with no gear selection control.

This car needs paddle shifters.

Right for up. Left for down.

And a Forward for upshift/Backward for downshift center tunnel stick to resort to once we future Fiesta Turbo drivers realize we're not stuck inside a narrow F1 tub with no room to move anything but fingers and therefore not really in need of something gimmicky like paddle shifters.

Judging by the once-upon-a-time Focus SVT, the balance of the spec on your hotted-up Fiesta should be right-on.

Probably some nice 17-inch wheels shod with 45-series rubber and maybe a suspension nip and tuck here and there.

With luck, someone will tone down the garish silver center stack trim on the normally-aspirated model and try something a little classier.

You're going to need royally-righteous purple and tangy orange paint options on the 2012 Fiesta Turbo, too, because let's face it, Ford, you're the new Anti-Toyota.

You are the anti-boring, with 240 hp Escapes, 365 hp Taurus SHOs, and 412 hp 5.0 Mustang GTs.

You are the anti-beige, with Grabber Blue and Lime Squeeze already on your palette.

Your most recent corporate walk of shame is already years behind you.

Therefore, thou shalt cut loose and celebrate the end of this dismal world recession (another internet rumor I've started) with a tight, blown, paddle-shifted urban brawler wearing the orange of the fiery sunset of our discontent and the purple of the dawn of a new age.

Thou shalt call these new cloaks "Orange Sunset" and "Purple Dawn."

Thou shalt make these cloaks to be metallic and put them on the 2012 Fiesta RS Turbo, pricing everything under 21k with a paddle-shifted dual clutch tranny and no obligation to purchase an increasingly-useless factory-installed GPS.

I am the Car Czar (sorry about all that "Thou shalt" stuff ... sometimes I get to thinking I'm more powerful than I actually am), and I'm here to help.


(Updated: The Big Blue Oval owns the Bowtie Guys in our Hot Hatches that Don't Yet Exist category)

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