Friday, September 4, 2009

Obama and The Outraged American

Can't help notice the boss has been criticized lately for being too slow to respond to outraged citizens.

First it was Health Care Town Hall Pitchfork Folk, and this week it's the "You're not letting that Muslim Negro Socialist Speak to My Children" People, who are treating a speech from the president of the United States to U.S. school children like a school assembly featuring David Duke (where the first 500 through the gymnasium doors get free white hoodies).

Pundits are scratching their heads, wondering why the man who effectively shut down the political opposition's smear machine during the election, forcing those poor folks into the increasingly-snowballing Hail Mary that is Sarah Palin, has been caught flat-footed.

I know! I know!

(As a vicarious blogging insider to the Obama Administration, I just know ... kay?).

See, when your primary goal is winning an election, it's easy enough to focus all of your efforts on the path to victory and your best guesses at the ambushes and land mines along the way. But once you're in office and you have a job to do ... say, executing the duties of the office of the president of the United States ... you're very much at risk of being too busy to anticipate every nutty accusation that blossoms into a full-fledged national mania overnight.

Every U.S, president has had to deal with wacko malcontents, but it turns out the same everywhere-all-the-time media that President O. used to help take the Oval Office can be used for any kind of mania, from convincing paranoid old boogers that The Beast from the Book of Revelation is fixing to put them out of their misery early to making a couple of guys who spend their spare time filming fat people shopping at Wal-Mart instant international celebrities.

Shutting down the mass hysteria of Obama-bashing among this nation's self-absorbed, self-defined "Real Americans" is as easy as shutting down the mass hysteria of U.S.-bashing among Al Qaida's self-absorbed, self-defined "Martyrs for Allah."

You can't.

(Someday I'll treat the issue of how changing the minds of zealots is like getting dogs to stop sniffing other dogs' butts).

So your Unhumble Car Czar, being the O. Administration's unapproved utility infielder, has the fix for both the Al Qaida-fueled Outrage Against Islam propaganda and conservative talk show host-fueled Outrage Against The American Way propaganda that's been bothering the world lately:

  1. We keep disrupting Al Qaida with Predator strikes until Al Qaida repurposes itself as nothing more than a fraternal secret-handshake society that connects members with high-paying jobs.
  2. We keep making fun of "Real Americans" until all "Real Americans" run down to Texas, which is the Alec Baldwin of whiny conservative states: a state always ready to bolt from the republic at the first hint of a guy who doesn't own a pickup truck getting the keys to the Oval Office. We let those "Real Americans" secede from the Union so as to enjoy self-indulgent bigotry among like-minded folk; let them try to hold their former nation hostage over oil prices, and then let them find out how tough and self-sufficient they really are when they've got nothing but a bunch of oil fields and the protection of a rinky-dink military in their vast expanse of dirt.

(I apologize for being so hard on Texans. I know most of you folks are good people – not the mouthy, "Hey Everybody! I'm a Cowboy" posers who keep showing up on radio, TV, and the internet ... oh ... and in Washington for two recent presidential terms. I really admire Lance Armstrong).

If that doesn't work, and it won't, we're going to wait until President Obama has graciously served his two terms in office in the face of a non-stop barrage of ever-more-audacious sore-loser claptrap.

Then we will simply give the pathetic wretches who have sold their own souls out to vainglorious self-deception the chance to atone for themselves when we do ... like we nearly always do ... elect an entirely NEW president and the country isn't in shambles after all.

Of course, most older birther/beast accusers will be dead at the hands of the president's elite health care death panels by then, but the younger ignoramuses, many of whom have spent years documenting their mean-spirited simple-mindedness on the internet, will be left hanging out to dry, ideological pants down around their ankles and stumbling through the parking lot at Gander Mountain.

Will they act like nothing happened, just like the buttoned-down money-grubbing yuppies of the 80s who spent the 60s getting laid at groovy share-and-share-alike communes did?

Will they spiral ever-deeper into denial?

Or will they take a hard, painful look at themselves and self-administer a scathing turn-of-the-millennium "Whoops! My bad ..."?

None of the above.

They will live on to fight another day in the battle to wipe out Mesothelioma in our lifetime.

(I can get away with this ending because I'm convinced these folks are all ADD. They've completely forgotten that the economy went down the crapper under their guy, and haven't retained other important information, like that one-third of this administration's massive government spending pays for the War-on-No-Terror-in-Iraq tab run up by their guy over the past six years; one-third is to clean up the economic mess left by a decade of Cheap Mortgages for Everybody, and only the last third is socialist spending that will surely doom our nation. The word, "Mesothelioma" has magical, transcendental qualities to it. Saying "Mesothelioma" cleanses the neural palate of the ADD-afflicted reading this blog just as it does when those asbestos attorneys use it while fishing for business between Outraged America segments on Fox News. A.C.O.R.N. started the housing meltdown. Mesothelioma. Will Barack Obama's Hitler's Youth answer the call to service? Mesothelioma. See? The real answer to the above non-rhetoricals is, "They will spiral ever-deeper into denial but feel exceedingly good about the progress their church missionary outreach is making in Namibia, Africa." There is no sense telling these people these hard truths, nor any good to come of them reading the prognosis here).

Mesothelioma. Ask your doctor if a prescription is right for you.


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