Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Peace for Pompous Doofs Program: Turn-in Thoughtless Horn-honkers, Win Fabulous Prizes

Wasn't it cool back in the 80s to walk away from your ride and beep your car alarm, telling the world that your car, its contents, and you were hot stuff?

Not to be messed with. Probably packin'.

Since then, we've elected four U.S. presidents, Madonna has slept with several generations of NBA teams, and Bowling for Soup has performed the quintessential musical mockery of that decade.

Since then, every plain vanilla sedan and minivan on the street has gotten a its very own beep beep security system standard at the factory.

Did you know that if you have a beep beep security system in your car in 2009, and you surely do, that beep-beeping it just isn't cool anymore?

It's not cool because since the 80s it has been possible to both ignore Madonna and lock your car and arm its security system by simply pressing the interior door lock button ... no beep beep required.

Most citizens are aware of this, and while it is entirely forgivable to beep-lock one's vehicle in those hands-full-from-unloading-and-still-gotta-corral-the-rugrats times, it is unforgivable, clueless, and oafish (and bad ... very bad) to beep-lock one's vehicle all the time -- like late at night, every night in a residential area.

The government’s new Peace for Pompous Doofs Program (PPDP) will beginning September 1 allow U.S. citizens to turn-in annoying horn-chirping neighbors to the government to be crushed and recycled in exchange for sleeptime peace.

Got a neighbor who insists on hopping out of his car and clicking his honking keyfob as he strolls up to to his doorstep like some IZOD-clad dork straight out of Pretty in Pink?

Turn 'em in.

While you're enjoying uninterrupted peace some quiet summer's evening, periodically imagine the soft, crackling "squish" sound the fine fellow made as some humorless government PPDP contractor clicked his very own fob button.

Pending funding for the Peace for Pompous Doofs Program (which is in the stimulus package or health care package, I forget which, somewhere between the paragraph that lets the government kill your grandmother and the paragraph that lets the government feed your grandmother's corpse to Muslim terrorist detainees as a pork substitute) neighbors can begin turning in unneighborly neighbors on midnight, September 1 with no complicated paperwork required.

It's fun and easy, but not that easy.

Please do not, for instance, use the anonymous comment links on this blog to rat-out the names and addresses of violators, as any names and addresses appearing in the comment area of this blog shall be considered fictional and prankish in nature and not subject to libel or any other laws in the State of Massachusetts or its surrounding 49 states, District of Columbia, and any and all U.S. territories.


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